see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
