The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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