ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
