He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
