I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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