If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
