I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
