is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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