I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
