I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
