When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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