the condom got lost in my hair
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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