if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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