If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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