opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
