I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Someone came in the potted fern
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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