my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
