I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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