Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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