non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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