Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
