Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
