why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
