She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
