I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Randomize
