Jerry, you need to find god
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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