I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
