I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
