Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
