he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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