mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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