i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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