Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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