How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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