...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
