i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
