Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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