btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
my sisters under your porch take her home
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
