I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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