You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
