it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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