My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
