if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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