I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
