so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
All the doctor said was why
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
