Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
