you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
