I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
