when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
