I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
