If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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