I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
it's great music for shaving your balls
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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