i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
