Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
