what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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