my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
they need to just BURY HIM!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
