I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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