as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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